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Our oldest son is now five, and his brothers are 3 and 2, respectively. We had lost two children at birth prior to the oldest being born, and when we wanted to have more children we opted to go with adoption. I knew that there were going to be issues that had to be dealt with in the future - one of which was "the birds and the bees" but I figured that I'd have a few more years left before it would come up. Being regular Rugrats watchers, the subject came sooner than I expected....
"Mommy, where do babies come from?" my firstborn asked as baby Dil was born. I stopped to think of the appropriate answer because it had to be honest yet not too detailed for his age. "Honey, babies come from their mommy's bellies." He looked at me and thought the next question. "But mommy, my brothers didn't come from your belly, they came from cars!"
"Well, yes they did come from their mommy's bellies, except that their mommy couldn't keep them and take care of them so they came here to live with us and be your brothers." Forever and ever? He wanted to know, and I said "yes, honey."
Honesty and adoption must go hand in hand. No matter how ugly the real story is, it has to be told. Each child has the right to know the truth- it's all in the way that it is done. I know that I am keeping these things in mind as the boys start asking questions; I hope that these tips will help you, too, as you may be dealing with them also.
1. Don't be surprised. The questions will come, and children are honest and to the point when they want answers. Try to keep the answers short and simple, to the point. Wait to see what the next question will be. Your answer may just be enough to satisfy their curiosity.
2. Honesty, tact and love go together. Try not to sugar coat the facts. Short, simple and gentle information is good.
3. Make sure that as you answer the questions you continue to reassure the child(ren) that nothing will ever change the permanency of your family. "Even though we come from different places when we are born, we are all here now and are one big happy family and nothing wille ver take that away."
4. Little doses of information are better than long scenarios. Keep it simple and smile.
As the boys get older and the questions get more detailed we will have to keep these tips in mind when we have to answer other details. I believe that if we can continue to be up fron and honest with the children things will go smoothly. I believe that they will come to understand where they all came from, I believe that we will remain close and that none of the details will matter in the end.
Children need their parents to be honest with them about these subjects. They learn to respect your opinions, they learn trust in you as parents and will no doubt grow to be better adults knowing that they can count on you for the truth, good or bad.
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